honestly i really do not know if i’m in the right state of mind to accurately translate what i feel into words. actually, i really do not know what i’m feeling. and although i often disgust at fellow bloggers’ entries of exaggerated depression and wallowing in self-pity, that seem to have been posted more so for garnering sympathy, and although i know this may eventually turn out sounding very much like one of such posts, i decided that i really needed an outlet for these thoughts and emotions that have been spinning me around.

well i don't think i'm depressed. after all there is nothing that had happened that called for being so. tired, definitely. and perhaps..jaded, i guess. the recent spate of events that had occured, those of which affected me directly, as well as indirectly, really left me physically, and even more so, mentally, drained. tired of not being heard, of being incapable of so many things i want to be able to do but can't, regardless of how hard i try, tired of being too nice but yet not being appreciated, tired of..just tired. in particular, recently i have really been wondering whether i truly belong. there seem to have been more justifications against such a statement, than for it. the unimportant one, the extra, the one who has nothing to offer, the hidden one, the forgotten. funny how such a thought comes along just when everything is about to come to an 'end', everyone is battling whirlpools of emotions of leaving it behind, and then i'm pondering if i ever did belong right at the start. well and of course other issues,

which all result in the moody me that everyone fears and stays away from. i would like to pretend everything is bright and pretty and smile all day round, and i know it cannot go on like this, but i really hate wearing forced smiles. have really lost the hype- everything feels like a chore these days, and there is nothing to look forward to anymore. because my initial excitement always ends in disappointment. i don't even dare to look forward to anything, anymore. need something to happen to reignite the spark- and it's not something that can be made to happen. it's like everyday i start off feeling hopeful, or attempting to, and something bad is bound to happen along the way that ends it lousy. more and more so i'm questioning the meaning of living this.

need to calm down. need to refocus. need to put my mind off unhappy matters and let go of them, so then i can truly :) again. but how? my life right now is just in a state of fluster and mess. passions and obligations. desires and responsibility. dwelling and letting go. having fun and keeping control. study and food. and sleep. how do you balance all these? what is it that we should choose? how do you know which is the right choice?

sometimes when you come to think of it, the world is really quite a screwed up place. and sometimes more so than others.

i'd rather be dead than be sick

Moja Moja cowzy. 抹茶レモネード。 says:
heys. how are you doing? you sound overworked from your nick...


i probably am. well the second school year at rjc, often characterized by the looming A-levels, has commenced. just 2 weeks into the academic year and the thickness of our files are increasing exponentially; i'm already overloaded with academic and non-academic commitments; i'd been to the doctor's twice.
but i'm probably pretty well-rested after this weekend. the total number of hours i'd slept yesterday + today is probably more than the total hours of sleep accumulated over the past week. decided to take myself off the medication though. does no good but makes me dreamy/fatigued/unsure of reality. probably the cause for my bodyaches too! say NO to drugs hahahaa

as the usual

it's all coming back to me
the haunting memories
translating into reality
just when i thought it was over.

nobody understands, as usual
i cry my eyes puffy and red, as usual
hiding beneath the forced smile, as usual
dwarfed by the gigantic shadows, as usual
killing myself, and killing others,
as usual.

"dont collapse", i struggled to say.